Hi Reader,

I recently came across an episode on The Oprah Podcast about women quietly quitting their marriages, and I wonder if you can relate.

Divorce rates for 40-49 year olds may be declining or holding steady, but "Quiet Quitting" might explain why.

And I understand. Divorce is one of the worst experiences a human can go through.

It’s painful, financially disruptive, scary, complicated and full of uncertainty. It's a law suit against the defendant. "Ain't nobody got time for that!" Sometimes staying in a marriage, with someone who doesn't even notice you've checked out, feels safer than serving papers and "going to court."

I have so much compassion for women who find themselves there. But, what I don’t want us to do is normalize quietly quitting as a solution.

Because women deserve better than spending the next 10, 20, or 30 years emotionally checked out of their marriages.

And frankly, men deserve better than that too.

One part of the podcast conversation particularly resonated with me. Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab talked about hyper-independence and the importance of allowing a partner to experience the consequences for "not knowing where soccer practice is," for example.

In other words: let him fail.

I couldn’t agree more.

If you’ve spent years reminding, organizing, anticipating, compensating, fixing, smoothing things over, picking up the slack, and making sure everything gets done, you may never actually know what your partner is capable of doing without you.

Let him figure it out.

Not as punishment.

Not as a test.

But because two adults cannot build a truly interdependent partnership when one adult is chronically overfunctioning for the other.

And then pay attention to how he responds.

While you’re giving your partner room to take responsibility for his own life, start taking responsibility for yours.

• Build your friendships.
• Understand your finances.
• Strengthen your career or earning potential.
• Take care of your physical and emotional health.
• Create matriarchal community.
• Reconnect with your interests.
• Know where your important documents are.
• Understand what resources would be available to you.

Build a life that isn’t entirely dependent upon whether your marriage works. Build agency, autonomy, stability, and support that staying becomes a choice rather than something you feel trapped into doing.

That’s an exit strategy.

And ironically, you may never need to use it.

Your partner may rise to the occasion. Your relationship may change as you change. You may rediscover something between you that you thought was gone.

But if he doesn’t?

You haven’t spent another year or decade waiting.

That’s why I believe so strongly in decentering romantic relationships if you find yourself in an unhealthy or unsatisfying partnership.

Recenter yourself first.

Then look at the relationship again.

And ask yourself:

If I knew I had the internal and external resources to handle either outcome, what would I choose?

With love,

Melanie
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Check out the Podcast Episode here: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-oprah-podcast/id1782960381?i=1000783096654

PS. Maybe you need to “quietly quit” for a while. But you don't have to quietly struggle alone. Seek out safe spaces where you can say what you're really thinking, and whatever you do, don't give up on a happy life that you can envision.

PPS.That's exactly why I created Girl Talk; a private, therapist-led gathering where you can process what you are experiencing without anyone telling you what you should do and at the same time encouraging you to seek the help you need to decenter the marriage and recenter your life. Join Girl Talk ​