Hi Reader,

What if your relationship isn't actually ruining your life, but asking you to reclaim it?

I started reading The Obstacle Is the Way by Ryan Holiday this week (for the second time). It's based on Stoic philosophy.

I highly doubt Marcus Aurelius and the Stoics were sitting around contemplating gender equality or the importance of decentering romantic relationships. But that's actually kind of my overarching point. Women shouldn't be wasting precious energy peserverating on romantic relationships either.

I want women to become the main characters rather than supporting characters in their own lives.

Imagine Marcus Aurelius sitting around writing:

If only she would change.​
​If only we could communicate better.​
​If only I knew whether I should stay or leave.​
​If only I hadn't married her.​
​If only this weren't happening.

It would sound absurd, laughable and even a bit pathetic (if I'm being honest). But, this is what women think all of the time (myself included at one time). ARGH!

The point isn't to make anyone feel like shit for thinking this way. The point is to notice your thinking and how much it is either helping or hurting you.

If only this problem didn't exist, then I could be happy.
If only he would change, then I could move forward.
If only I knew what to do, then I could start living.

Is any of this thinking helpful?

What if we flipped it?

The problem exists. Now what?

I don't believe everything happens for a reason. And I definitely don't believe everything that happens to us is good.

Some experiences are painful. Some experiences are harmful or abusive. Some relationships are unhealthy. We don't need to sprinkle spiritual glitter on suffering and call it a gift.

But I do believe we can use everything that happens to us.

Instead of thinking "This shouldn't be happening, I'll never get through this."

Experiment with thinking:

If this is happening, how might this be good?

What can I learn about myself?
What new skills do I need to develop?
If I have to go through this, what skills do I already have that I can rely on?
Who might I be on the other side of this obstacle?

None of that makes what happened good.

It means something good can still come from it.

• Maybe you learn how to say no without overexplaining why
• Maybe you stop taking responsibility for another adults poor choices and behavior.
• Maybe you learn how to support yourself financially.
• Maybe you cultivate friendships you should have been cultivating all along but never gave time for.
• Maybe you discover interests, dreams, strengths and parts of yourself that got buried while so much of your attention was focused on your relationship.

There are so many possibilities! Take a minute and imagine what could be possible, not in spite of, but because of this obstacle (whatever obstacle you're facing right now). If you're willing to share, hit reply and let me know what might be possible.
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Until next Monday, bye for now ...
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With Gratitude,
Melanie
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LPC • Coach • Yoga Teacher
Follow me on IG @mel_braswell​

Ps. If you are ready to get serious about your boundaries and learning how to decenter romantic relationships to recenter yourself as the main character of your story, don't forget to join Girl Talk! Or, schedule a Discovery Call if you have questions.