Hi Reader,

Have you ever considered how much time and energy you spend analyzing your romantic relationship?

Replaying the conversation from last night. Trying to figure out why he reacted that way. Wondering if you were too sensitive. Planning how to bring something up without starting another argument.

You're talking to your girlfriend about what happened, then talking to your therapist about what happened. Googling “signs of an emotionally unavailable husband” and “narcissism.” Listening to podcasts about relationships and reading books about communication.

You decide you're done.

Then you decide maybe you're overreacting.

You feel hopeful because you had a good weekend, only to feel defeated when you're right back where you started on Tuesday.

It. Is. Exhausting.

I wonder how much feminine wisdom is collectively suppressed by each woman trying to solve her romantic relationship.

Imagine for a moment that you didn't have to figure him or the relationship out.

You didn't have to decide whether to stay or leave.

You didn't have to convince him to understand.

You didn't have to anticipate his reactions.

You didn't have to spend another evening replaying the same conversation in your head.

Imagine if all of that mental and emotional energy suddenly became available to you again.

What would you do with all of that energy?

Would you start the business you've been dreaming of? Go on the yoga retreat? Go back to school? Make a new friend? Get stronger in the gym? Start a garden? Make pottery? Learn a new language? Travel?

Maybe you'd spend an entire Saturday doing something you love without wondering whether someone else is having a good time.

When you've spent years, or a lifetime, organizing your life around a relationship, “What do I want?” can be a surprisingly difficult question to answer.

And this is one of the reasons I talk so much about decentering romantic relationships.

It isn't about giving up on love, becoming hyper-independent, or pretending relationships don't matter.

It's about refusing to let one relationship consume so much of your life that there's barely any YOU left.

And you don't have to decide today whether your relationship stays or goes.

Try something smaller.

For the next week, notice when you enter the mental maze of trying to figure out: what he meant, why he did that, what you should say, how you should say it, whether he'll change, whether you're asking too much, whether you should stay, whether you should leave...

Then come back to yourself.

Ask:

What needs my attention in MY life right now?

Maybe it's your body, your bank account, your friendships, your career, your creativity, your home, your peace, your dreams, or your future.

Start there.

Because if you're willing to decenter the romantic relationship, the first step isn't figuring out what to do about your relationship.

It's remembering who you are when you're not trying to fix it.

Until next Monday, bye for now,

Melanie

P.S. If you're stuck in the “should I stay or should I go?” question, you're invited to join me for Girl Talk, my free virtual masterclass on effective boundaries and recentering yourself. xo