Lately I have been thinking about the idea of "Decentering Men" a term I stumbled across on the internet a little while back. I didn't think much of it, until this past week.

(A quick note to my Sober & Social friends: If you got on my email list through the alcohol-free community and this pivot isn't for you, I completely understand. Please feel free to unsubscribe).

If you're interested in my thoughts on "Decentering men," here it goes..

My romantic relationship history is tragic. Looking back I unconsciously allowed myself to be captured by men, not literally but psychologically. The ones that did "catch me," I felt obligated to. I became comfort, reassurance, companionship, and sex. I felt more like a prize to be won than a person with my own dreams, instincts, and needs. Looking back, it's painful to admit because I participated in my own captivity.

I am not proud of this dynamic looking back. I remember feeling overwhelmed and wishing I could escape. All along, I had participated in my own harm thinking I didn't have power to change it.

I don't think these boys and men were all malicious. I think they were operating from their own socialization to find a girl to be comforted by. If I had the wherewithal to decenter men, and recenter myself, I would have left relationships much sooner. I would not have felt obligated to stay to make him feel better, or prevent him from feeling abandoned, while never considering what staying was doing to me.

Our culture spends a lot of time teaching girls how to be "chosen." We learn how to be desirable, supportive, agreeable, forgiving, and patient. But very few of us are taught how to leave a relationship that is imbalanced. We're not taught that another adult's emotions are not ours to manage.

What I wish young girls believed is that women are not objects; we are not a prize to be won or an emotional vending machines of comfort. And what I wish young boys believed is it's ok to have a tender side. It does not make him weak. Boys don't need girls to manage their emotions.
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For me, "decentering men" doesn't mean pushing men away or loving them less. It means no longer organizing my life around another person's needs while neglecting my own. It means recentering myself, so that I can enjoy a partnership.

Ironically, I think that's one of the greatest gifts we can offer our partners, both men and women.

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If this resonated with you, I've created a free masterclass called:

​ "Why Do Smart, Capable Women Stay Stuck in Unhealthy Relationships?"​

We'll explore why so many women remain in relationships that they secretly want to get out of, but don't know how (and if you are someone who uses alcohol to cope, to "take the edge off," sobriety is still relevant here).

Join me here: