Hi Reader,

Have you ever received a text message that instantly changed your mood?

Or, felt the hairs on the back of your neck raise from a passive aggressive comment?

Maybe your partner walked through the door frustrated, and suddenly you're walking on eggshells?

That's emotional hijacking.

Emotional hijacking happens when another person, a difficult circumstance, or even your own inner critic takes over your emotional control center. Instead of responding intentionally, you find yourself reacting from fear, guilt, shame, anger, or anxiety.

Recently, I shared on social media about an ongoing IRS issue from a joint return in 2021 (when I was still married). Even now, seeing my ex-husband's name flash across my phone can activate my nervous system.

Thankfully, not like it used to.

Years ago, I lived in a near-constant state of emotional hijacking.

His avoidance became my anxiety. His "everything is fine" attitude when it clearly wasn't became my hypervigilance. His victimhood became my rage.

My nervous system was so busy trying to understand why I didn't feel safe that I lost touch with myself. Home no longer felt like a place of refuge. It felt like a place where I had to stay on guard.

I don't think I ever avoided or ignored the problem. I brought it up. Again and again.

I tried to explain what I was sensing. I searched for evidence. I asked for validation. I tried to get advice from pastors, counselors and friends. I had the difficult conversations.

Nothing changed.

I did what many of us do when we don't know how to resolve something that feels impossible:

I stuffed my feelings as much as I could.

I used spiritual bypassing to "normalize" my suffering (ie. "take up your cross, daily").

I poured a drink or two every evening to "take the edge off."

Not because I didn't care.

Because I didn't know what else to do.

The longer I denied my instincts, the more resentful I became.

By the time we separated, anger had become the only emotion strong enough to overpower my ambivalence. I needed that anger to move forward. I'm grateful it got me to take action, but I don't recommend that path.

Looking back, I didn't need more proof. I needed to give myself permission to trust what I already knew. Instead of waiting for permission from my (ex) husband, my church, my pastors, counselors ...

It took me a long time, but with enough clarity and distance from him, I started to hear my own voice again more clearly.

That was the beginning of becoming what I call "unfucwithable" (see my last email).

Today, I still notice my nervous system activate when his name appears on my phone.

The difference is that it no longer takes over.

I notice what is my responsibility, and what is not mine.

And I remind myself that there is nothing he can do or take from me without my permission. I have complete agency over my emotional and mental control center. Easier said than done and that's where practice comes into play.

So, I'll leave you with one question this week:

Where in your life are you consciously or unconsciously giving someone permission and authority over your emotional control center?

If this resonates with you, I'd love to invite you to join me for my free Take Back Your Life Masterclass. If you think a friend would benefit from content like this, please invite her to join my newsletter and grow this community:

Until next week,
Melanie